I bet you are wondering where I’m going with this. While we will be discussing the above title, this article is dedicated to my streamer and artists brothers and sisters who struggle with depression and anxiety on a daily basis.
Many people look at what I have and they don’t understand why I am at war with depression and anxiety. I have the love of my life, fooled her into marrying me and have three beautiful, and intelligent kids, “So what’s this guy have to be depressed about?” That’s the thing, kids, you don’t get a say in feelings. If you had a choice in your emotions, they would then, in fact, be referred to as options.
It isn’t really necessary for me to get into what makes me, ME, but I’m going to. What I am about to share with you is embarrassing to me, and I am very sensitive about this. No one aside my wife really understands the magnitude of issues, because she has been here with me through all of the “factors.”
To really know me, my name is Jeremy, I am 32 years old and I was raised in a household below poverty level. It was actually my whole drive behind my work ethic, well that and the inconsistency from my parents. My parents weren’t around, actually I spent a lot of time completely alone, which is where I honed my skills as an artist.
My mother and father were never together, at least not within my memory. My father married elsewhere and while I visited I didn’t really get to see him. He spent too much time at work trying to afford the new wife and kids, my step-siblings were actually ok, so that wasn’t terrible, but I also didnt get to live with them. Not at first. No that took an underage at 14, before the custody change.
My life revolved around partying and alcohol when I was still in elementary school. My mother had a hard time holding a job, and would have ppl over to hang out “smoke” and drink. If I’m completely honest, it wasn’t until later I realized what they were smoking, but it explained why she was always shut up in her room. She didn’t want us to know. Now I say us, because I am one of four boys.
My brothers didn’t really live with us. I was quiet and never got in trouble, until the afore mentioned underage, but I didn’t get caught or in trouble often. My brothers on the other hand were kinda heathens. Since she couldn’t handle them full time, they were shipped off to their dads. We didn’t have the same dads. My older bro and the one just under me share a dad, but my youngest has his own as do I. So sometimes she would be shut away from us, but other time I was just shut away. To this day I still struggle to carry a normal conversation with other human beings, but cut me some slack, I haven’t much practice.
Due to the lack of work, and amount of partying, we didn’t get to stay in a house long. Even got moved into a drug dealers house. We moved fairly often, and it was hard to make friends. Not to mention, sometimes it led to bare cupboards. Just how it was.
We had a couple of male “role models” in our lives. The first I can remember was a raging alcoholic. Never hit us boys but he’d beat the crap out of mom from time to time, but having said that, I have flash memories of her getting beat up by my youngest brothers dad too. It wasn’t in common for those two guys to take myself and or my brothers on drug runs. Don’t worry, we never went inside. They’d just leave us in the car for an hour or so. It wasn’t until much later that I realized what that was. Sitting there really wasn’t much different from every other day, I mean I was still, usually, alone, but at least I had something different to look at.
First time I tried alcohol I was 5 years old and I hated it. I didn’t start drinking until I was 12 or 13, which is also the time I started smoking marijuana. I drank a lot, probably because my “step-dads” bought a lot of alcohol, a lot of times for mom, who preferred pot, so us boys would drink hers and the alcoholic would just replace it and no one ever noticed. Even when we’d refill the vodka with water, no one seemed to catch on.
By the time I hit 8th grade I smoked a pack of cigarettes a day, smoked weed every time mom left, and drank bi-weekly, and nobody was the wiser. Of course by eighth grade we were getting drinks from my moms friends. She would act upset about it, but still let it happen. Just a shame really.
My first and only underage was actually cigarettes. An undercover cruiser stopped a few friends and I. We got a court summons, and though we were all busted, apparently I was the one who had to pay. Had a fine and no one was going to pay it for me, I had to get a job, which wasn’t a bad thing really, helped change my characteristics the long haul. That’s how I ended up at dads.
The next four years at my dads wasn’t bad. I wasn’t alone anymore really, I get along well with the step-brother he’s a good dude for sure, he’s probably the biggest reason I am so heavy into gaming so for that I am grateful.
Outside of high school is where things really started to pick up. I have three brothers, over the span of ten years, all three of them ended up on heroin. To this day all three are clean. Two of them struggle, but one is in prison, but only after a botched drug deal and he was violently stabbed almost to death, and my other brother who tends to destroy property, and he found himself in and out of jail as well.
My brother just younger than me, has been clean for around three years and I am very proud. He got married, got custody of his daughter who lived with a sociopath.
My older brother, the one in prison still doesn’t get to see his kids. One who lives a thousand miles away and the other who’s mom and step-dad who just went to jail for child abuse/endangerment/neglect.
My life has been an interesting one, I’m not good with people, but I want to be. I don’t drink, or smoke(anything) anymore. I want to be the opposite of everything I was hurt by. I want to help others, especially those who fight the same battle as I do day to day.
If you feel low, find someone to talk to. I’ll even talk shoot me a message. Take care of yourselves, be considerate and take care of each other.
Be kind and stay fantastic,